1. Pack absolutely everything you have ever purchased for toddler. This includes travel cot, portable feeding chair, approximately 250 different types of snacks and about 7 different outfits. Just in case.
2. Carry around a massive changing bag to all the different parties and periodically rub your shoulder to soothe changing bag chafing.
3. Create the “Baby Zone” by placing all sorts of baby nik naks on your table including spare jumper, various snacks, beaker and various toys.
4. Watch toddler toss each item under the table out of reach and make mental note to retrieve it all at some point.
5. Spend some time later on hands and knees under the table trying to look for everything.
6. Try to stop toddler from giving himself a piercing by constantly taking the fork and other bits of cutlery away from him.
7. Try to stop the toddler smashing the plates by moving everything to the centre of the table.
8. Growl at the manager of the venue when he tells you there aren’t any any high chairs available.
9. Spend time chasing excited toddler around the massive venue.
10. Try to unsuccessfully stop toddler running into the “Do Not Enter” catering area.
11. Spend time trying to retrieve toddler from under one of the food counters. Use lettuce and bits of salad to try to coax him out.
12. Spend time gripping excited toddler under one arm so that child looks like he is in a superman pose and try to sit him down in your lap.
13. Watch cousins giggling at Baby Z trying to squirm from grip. Shout “Just you wait, it’ll be your turn one day!”.
14. Give up trying to keep toddler in one place and delegate babysitting over to grandad. Try to wolf down dinner in record time. Realise you missed the starter.
15. Eventually feel sorry for grandad chasing around the endless bundle of energy and take over baby watching.
16. Try to entertain toddler with array of toys. Watch toys get chucked around. Give toddler expensive camera in attempt to keep him quiet.
17. Greet bride and groom who comment on beautiful toddler. Try to stop toddler from trying to grab hold of shiny tie / brides earrings / bride herself.
18. Breathe a sigh of relief as toddler starts dropping off in your lap. Then realise he’s got a second burst of energy.
19. Ask if it’s time to go home yet.
20. Eventually almost whoop with joy when you realise the wedding party is over. Almost run to car.
21. Look open mouthed as you place toddler in car and watch him fall asleep and start snoring instantly. Wish you could do the same.
22. Make a mental note never ever to go to another wedding again without OH. Ever.
23. In pondering the above, reverse straight into cousins car in full view of wedding party. Wish ground would swallow you up.
24. Turn even more crimson as your mum bangs on the drivers side window from the outside and watch her tell you off through said window. Complete with wagging finger. Again, in full view of wedding party.
25. Laugh hysterically the next day at all of the above whilst recounting above antics.