When I tell people I work part time, their usual response is “Oh you’re so lucky!”. I usually stare back, usually about to drop off, grateful for a moment of peace and a fleeting thought “maybe I could nap whilst she talks?”. Most people, including the Other Half, seem to think Z and I must skip to various playgroups every day and run through fields of daisies and generally have a lot of relaxing “us” time. (To be fair, this is what I thought I’d be doing too). It IS a lot of fun being with Z and half the time I am watching him open mouthed as he demonstrates his latest trick. But it’s just SO tiring too.
On the days when I’m off work, it goes something like this:
Very Early Morning:
Get woken up by a jack in the box style toddler who starts yapping full volume any time between 6.30am and 7am
If he’s already in our bed then get treated to a couple of wake up kicks.
Pray that he might drop off for about half an hour.
Accept, about 5 minutes later, that prayers won’t be answered and get up.
Attempt to have a wash / go to loo / have a shower / brush teeth whilst toddler runs around bathroom threatening to chuck everything down the loo.
Watch toddler mimicking me brushing my teeth. (Thank god he’s not learnt to spit yet!).
Stop toddlers various attempts to climb into the bath.
Make toddler breakfast whilst listening to him empty entire toybox
Try to persuade toddler to eat breakfast whose only reply is a loud “Nooooooo Toooooaast!”.
Spend 5 minutes chasing toddler before finally pinning him down to change his nappy and clothes.
Dash off (late) to playgroup.
Lunchtime and Afternoon
Make lunch and strap wriggly toddler in high chair
Watch toddler examine food / throw food / shout “Nooooo peeeaas” followed by tantrum.
Put washing on / do washing up / clean up all the toys whilst trying to feed toddler at the same time.
Persuade toddler to eat something. Anything!
Eventually give up trying to stop toddler throw everything and set him free.
Sigh as toddler thinks its fun to stamp on food.
Smile as he then brings dustpan and brush to sweep it up.
Try to sweep up quickly and stop toddlers attempts to eat stamped on food from the floor.
Miss a bit and fail to stop toddler eating squished food.
Worry that a part of you thinks “well at least he ate something”.
Try to teach toddler the meaning of the words “Tidy up Tiiiime!”.
Watch toddler instantly empty toybox in record breaking time.
Attempt to fold laundry as toddler plays.
Fold laundry again after toddler “helps” by chucking it all on the floor.
Catch toddler trying to stand up on his rocking zebra toy.
Wonder why there’s still food all over the floor when you just cleaned up?
Discover soles of toddlers shoes are encased in mushed veg.
Spend remainder of afternoon trying to persuade toddler to eat something
Thank the lord when toddler eventually naps, two hours later than usual.
Tidy room up / Put dinner on / Put more laundry on / Attempt to clean toddlers shoes.
Realise you’re still watching Cbeebies.
Have lunch (quickly) at 3.30pm
Try to sew button back onto shirt. Realise you are crap at sewing.
Wonder if you could have a nap. Get woken within half an hour by toddler with his second burst of energy.
Late Afternoon / Evening
Take toddler for quick park trip (if it’s not raining) before dinner. Else let him have major play time (including emptying entire toybox one more time).
Make toddler dinner and go through persuasion rigmarole once more.
Try offering various food combinations. Give up after the 5th “Noooo!”.
Get ready for bathtime.
On days when toddler absolutely loves the bath, enjoy the water play and watching toddler splash around.
On days when toddler hates the bath with a vengeance, spend ages trying to persuade screaming toddler into it whilst prising his fingers off the door. Usually give up and wash baby down.
Hover around the window about 6pm-ish wondering where the Other Half is. Let toddler play with the blinds / strings for a bit.
Breathe big sigh of relief when Other Half gets home and toddler switches all attention to “Daaaadaaaa!”.
Hit Other Half with frying pan when he innocently comments / enquires “Did you not clean up today? Takeaway for dinner again? You didn’t pick up my parcel?” (Ok, not really. Ahem).
Wonder how the hell you’d ever cope with TWO!
Glue arse to sofa once toddler is in bed asleep for the night. Stare at TV / Twitter / Other forms of social media
Collapse into bed at 10pm and get ready to do it all again the next day.