The Rules According To A Toddler

Today I sent out a pondering tweet “Toddlers seem to have their own rules for living don’t they?”

I instantly got a bunch of emphatic replies mostly shouting “Yes!!”

After careful observation of just the one toddler (mine), I think I know what the rules are.


1. A Toddler must run everywhere. Walking is forbidden.
2. Standing still for longer than 3 seconds is also forbidden. Run, run. Always run.
3. Holding hands is no fun. Express your contempt if this is requested. Strongly.
4. Eating any food detracts from playing time. Don’t do it.
5. Eating food from the floor is ok though. And is tastier.
6. Stamping on food and then eating makes it even better.
7. Do not let parents clothe you. They are stifling naked freedom. Protest loudly.
8. Do not let parents put clothes on either. Protest loudly.
9. The same applies to all nappy changes. Run like hell.
10. Provide hugs and lots of kisses. Only occasionally on demand if they’ve been good.
11. Say very cute things. It melts adults very quickly and keeps them distracted.
12. Never perform on demand for other people. Watch adults then laugh nervously and declare “they do it at home all the time!”.
13. No fear! Climb everything and try to jump off everything. Fear is for adults.
14. Swoon when protesting. Thrash around too. It makes you wriggly and give the adults a bit of a challenge.
15. Demand everyone joins in a song. Protest if they don’t.
16. Keep waking up the night before the Adult needs to do something important. It ensures they won’t oversleep.
17. Dance to everything in a very cute way.
18. Wave and say hello and bye bye to anyone you pass in the street. Even to the miserable buggers.
19. Demand to hold anything that looks remotely expensive. Protest loudly if you hear the word “No”.
20. The best place to sleep is in between the two Adults. Kick them often in the night to remind them you are there.
21. The iPad is yours. Demand it as soon as the Adult picks it up.
22. Say the word “Noooo!” one regular basis. About 10 times an hour.
23. Talk one day and don’t bother the next. Pointing and shouting is sufficient.
24. Say “Ove you” every so often. See number 11.




  1. Slummy to Yummy Mummy October 23, 2012 / 4:53 pm

    Very funny! I’m sure our toddlers must be one and the same.

    • Notmyyearoff November 4, 2012 / 6:22 am

      They must secretly discuss notes I reckon!

  2. Jenny paulin October 23, 2012 / 7:13 pm

    I am nodding my had in total agreement here! Great posts and oh so very true.,! X

    • Notmyyearoff November 4, 2012 / 6:23 am

      They grow out of this though, right?

    • Notmyyearoff November 4, 2012 / 6:23 am

      🙂 thanks!

  3. bubbablue October 24, 2012 / 8:44 pm

    So true. I used to tell people proudly that N never ate food off the floor…then he hit 20 months (just today he’s eaten raisins he dropped on soft play floor, and other stuff – I’m not sure what!)

    • Notmyyearoff November 4, 2012 / 6:24 am

      Why do they find this so much tastier?

  4. lulastic October 26, 2012 / 10:57 am

    Haha YES. My daughter particularly with the “Naked” rule. It is her primary one. Getting dressed is for LOSERS!

    • Notmyyearoff November 4, 2012 / 6:24 am

      Hehe, I’m just glad z hasn’t discovered how to take his nappy off. Yet!

  5. amummysview November 17, 2012 / 6:40 pm

    love it, can deff see there are rules! 🙂 Esp the nappy and clothes changing ones!!!

  6. amummysview November 17, 2012 / 6:41 pm

    love it! esp the clothes and nappy changing! That rule deff exists in my house!

  7. Steph (@imcountingufoz) April 5, 2013 / 1:03 pm

    HAHAHA! I laughed out loud reading this. My 2 year old son has definitely read and revised those rules.

  8. Lisa Cornwell November 15, 2014 / 8:34 am

    Love this, my little one is two and I can put a tick by the majority of these rules! Number 20 happened last night and 21 is happening right now!!

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