There is something about holidays and lovely weather that gets you thinking. I guess it’s leaving behind the day to day rat race and plate spinning, coupled with sunshine and warmth that makes you slow down and reflect.
Of course, when you throw a toddler into the equation, it totally negates the slowing down and reflection as you chase your whirlwind around the entire resort just because he think its hilarious.
I did eventually find a bit of thinking time in the spa though one day when I just *had to* try out the world famous Turkish hamam. For those that have never tried it, it feels like you are 6 years old again and being scrubbed red raw by your mum, but in a pleasant and less painful way. You walk out all gleaming and sparkly and slightly embarrassed that all that dirt did indeed get scrubbed off you.
The masseur was from the Far East. Her English limited but definitely better than my Balinese, and she politely quizzed me every so often.
“Do you like England?”
“Do you want more kids?”
“What do you do?”
I answered simply, mostly yes or no, partly through not wanting to lose her through our limited communication skills, and partly because she was now enveloping me in a sea of bubbles that seemed to be multiplying before my eyes. It did give me chance to ponder though…
Hmmm, I do love England, it’s my home. I’ve lived there all my life. Would I consider moving to another country? I’m not sure. I’m probably too much of a wimp for that and would miss my family too much. I do love Turkey though. Maybe we could buy a holiday home here, not that we can afford it. But wouldn’t it be great? Hmm…wonder what OH would think.
Yeah, of course I want more kids and soon. Its hard sometimes but amazing too isn’t it? I do love all that time with little Z so maybe one more? Maybe one more after that. Lets see.
It led me to that dreaded question I’ve been thinking about for a while…
Am I content?
I’m at a stage where I have some of the big things I dreamt about as a teen. It’s both a satisfying and unnerving feeling when you have fallen into the habit of rushing around all the time and always working towards something. How do you stop and enjoy and think “Ahh yes, I have arrived”. When I think “content” I picture someone sitting on their porch, in that comfy chair, smiling, looking peaceful.
If I was on that porch right now I would be chewing the OHs ear off about “What shall we do tomorrow? Where shall we go? Lets go back to Turkey! What about New York? I really need to start that book don’t I?”. My OH would be rocking gently in his chair and smiling and looking peaceful.
I always want to go, to see, to learn, to meet. I am content with my little family but not content with life. It’s taken me a while to realise that.
And I’m content with that.
My turn to ask her..
“Do you get to go back home to visit often?”
“Do you like Turkey?”
“Do you have children?”
She hadn’t been back home in 2 years and missed it but loved Turkey and the people and it felt like home now. She did have a daughter in Bali who was now 4.
And there it was.
The penny dropped.
I am extremely lucky to have what I have. I see my son every day. I have what I need. We have our little home and we have our family and friends. We live in the rain 90% of the time but we are safe and secure in our home.
I have dreams of all the things I want to see and do but very grateful for what I have already. And there is a difference between being content and being grateful.
“Ma’am, that’s the end of the massage”
End of reflection time.