“I’m sorry about last night,” I recently said to my 8-year-old daughter. “I got more angry than I should have.” I had erupted more than once when putting her and her younger sister to bed. As I was reading a book to them, one hummed a random tune and the other one intermittently sang the wrong words to “Free,” from KPop Demon Hunters. Each sound grated against my brain. I kept misreading the words, losing my place and then repeating myself. Finally, when they were both in their beds with the lights turned off, they giggled together, delaying sleep. None of this was new or egregious, but I felt like my head would explode and detach from my body if I had to deal with it one minute longer.
“It’s time for bed,” I snapped at them from the hallway. “If you guys don’t quiet down soon, I’ll separate you,” I continued, immediately regretting the empty threat after I said it. I felt like I was watching myself — I didn’t like my behavior, but it felt like there was an invisible barrier preventing me from stopping it.
When the girls finally fell asleep, I snuggled up in bed with my own book, but I couldn’t focus. I felt guilty for barking at my two favorite girls. After sitting in sadness for a couple minutes, I picked up my phone, glanced at Clue, the period app I’ve used for years, and, unsurprisingly, I saw that my period was supposed to arrive a couple days later.
I spend so much time working hard to be the mom I want my daughters to have, and yet those efforts feel hijacked every month. In those moments, it’s hard not to blame myself and swim in overwhelm. As the parent, I’m the one who is supposed to help them regulate emotionally, but how can I do that when I feel so emotionally unregulated myself? How can I be a steady mom in the middle of hormonal changes that morph so quickly and increasingly more extremely, I can’t seem to wrap my head around them?
“Yeah, YOU really didn’t seem like yourself,” my eldest replied with a grin after I apologized, her left dimple peeking out.
“I don’t feel like myself” is often the first perimenopausal symptom women experience, according to Dr. Mary Claire Haver, author of The New Menopause. (This 2024 study focused on that exact feeling as part of menopausal symptoms.) The phrase “is something I hear every single day in clinical practice. Hormonal fluctuations, particularly declining and erratic estrogen, directly affect neurotransmitters in the brain, so mood, motivation, confidence, and sense of self can shift long before classic physical symptoms appear,” Dr. Haver told me via email. “Many women sense something is ‘off’ long before they can name perimenopause.”
I’m 44, and I haven’t felt like myself since my youngest daughter’s birth. My periods have been heavier, often with spotting before or after. One or both of my breasts hurt for some portion of the month. On my last blood test, I had slightly high bad cholesterol, even though I exercise regularly and eat well. I can’t fall asleep until 2 a.m. at least twice a month. There are piles of my hair on the bathroom floor, even though I vacuum more often than I used to, and I’m constantly cleaning my hair out of the shower drain.
The symptoms of perimenopause can often blur with period symptoms, and there is no definitive diagnostic tool. When I spoke to one provider, she gave me a blood test and said I wasn’t in perimenopause. Another provider discouraged medication because of the breast-cancer risk, although no one in my family has ever had it.
Despite how disruptive, painful, and often annoying the physical symptoms are, the emotional and psychological ones feel worse. I find myself asking, “Can you pass the pasta?” when I mean to ask for the meat at the dinner table, unable to find the right word I want to say. On the days I’m ovulating and right before my period, I struggle to pay attention. At night, I lie in bed, my mind fixating on the next big earthquake striking the Bay Area. I’m fatigued and overwhelmed by tasks I’d normally breeze through. My Instagram feed is filled with constant, sometimes conflicting advice about what gummies or supplements I should be taking. My to-do list is already too long, and researching perimenopause feels like another job to add on.
The average age of first-time mothers is increasing, according to the CDC. In 2023, there was a 25 percent uptick of first-time moms age 35 and older from 2016. Although the average age of perimenopause is 47 years old, symptoms can start in your late 30s. More than half the population will experience perimenopause, but when I’m in the midst of a hormonal surge, it’s hard not to feel frustrated, sad, and alone.
Even though a real physical and psychological change is happening to my body, my initial reaction is guilt and shame. I assume I should continue to parent as usual, and my kids do too. “It’s difficult because the kids are expecting me to be as I have always been: very understanding with anything that they need,” says Jennifer, a mom to an 8-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl. But it’s an unrealistic expectation. “When a woman is depleted and dysregulated, relationships often absorb that strain,” says Dr. Haver via email. “Parenting requires patience, executive function, and emotional bandwidth, all areas that can be compromised during perimenopause.”
“I feel sooo guilty that I cannot control let alone regulate my emotions while parenting,” one mom writes on Reddit. “Bed time has turned into my own personal hell where I turn into a raging banshee (especially with my youngest strong willed child and getting him to sleep). I used to be a patient person but not anymore and I fear for my kids, angry mom angry kids.”
Knowing that I’m not alone in feeling this way is a balm. And after listening to other moms, and clicking into more Reddit rabbit holes about perimenopause and parenting, I’ve been working on letting go of the guilt. Instead, lately, I’ve focused on explaining to my daughters that girls and women go through big hormonal changes, which can affect how you feel and your behavior.
“Mama’s body is changing, and it can make me more grumpy, but that isn’t your fault,” I told them.
“Let’s do a puzzle, Mama,” my youngest replied, happy to move on after understanding that she did nothing wrong.
“What does it feel like, Mama? Will I feel like that too?” her older sister pushed, always curious about her period. I always try to answer her honestly, but the words don’t flow as easily as I imagined considering I’ve had my period for over 30 years now. “It’s tricky, because these changes don’t look the same on everyone, but generally, it can make you not feel like yourself,” I say, thinking of Dr. Haver’s quote.
“As I’m going through things, I’m very honest with her. I’ll let her know this is what’s going on,” says Jennifer about speaking openly about perimenopause with her daughter. “Mommy’s hormones are off kind of the same way,” she tells her, “so that she’s confident and comfortable herself as she started to experience puberty.” “We talk about feelings (ad nauseam),” writes another mom on Reddit. “So I just tell them: ‘I’d love to snuggle’ (good when you just need to horizontal parent) or ‘Mom is having big feelings; it’s not your fault and I’m not mad at you.’ The youngest usually offers to nap with me 🥰 It’s imperfect, but it’s honest and hopefully keeps the lines of communication open.”
When I told my oldest that hormonal changes aren’t the same for everyone, I asked, “Does that make sense, cutie?” I’m reminded how complicated women’s health can be. “Yes, Mama,” she says as she cartwheels her way away from me to another room. I know this conversation is not over, but she’s ready to move on. Like other moms, my main goal is that she comes back when other questions arise, and, hopefully, she understands that hormonal changes are never something to be ashamed of.
I’ve learned that if I don’t act like myself, it’s important to me to apologize. I’m not alone in that approach. “One of the most important things I’ve done for her is to apologize. It pains me to be impatient and snippy with her when she doesn’t deserve it, she’s just being a kid. Edibles and meditation also help,” wrote one mom on Reddit who also has an 8-year-old. When I apologize to my girls, I can tell they’re happier, and I am too. I’m able to engage with them again instead of quietly spiraling in my own head.
Rest, dance classes, walking, microdosing, journaling, and trying to pause before reacting are other coping tools moms mentioned. For me, weight lifting helps, and I’m discussing a new medication with my provider. “Compassion, education, and proper medical care are essential, because when symptoms are treated and supported, women almost always feel more like themselves again,” Dr. Haver tells me via email.
One thing my friend Eleni, mom to two boys the same ages as my girls, said has stuck in my mind. “Maybe we should structure society differently to make it so that we can accommodate what is happening to women.” This idea isn’t novel, yet it feels extraordinary. Women should, of course, do things for themselves that make them feel good as a person and parent, but it’s not just on us, right? So why does it so often feel like it is?
For Megan, my childhood best friend and a mom to a 12-, 9-, and 5-year-old, perimenopause pushed her into overwhelm, erasing her tolerance for carrying so much, which became a catalyst to balance the emotional load in her household. “Last year I switched from kind of being okay with it to ‘hell no’ mentality,” she messaged me on Instagram. “While I have an amazing partner he just does not carry the level of anxiety and functioning I do so will never carry the same emotional load. But I’m absolutely unapologetic about continuing to ask and to insist that more of the physical load at least be carried by him.”
For me, parenting through perimenopause has smashed any residual illusion that being a perfect mom, or perfection of any sort, is an attainable or even valuable goal. I’ve learned that imperfection and self-compassion is a better model for my daughters and especially for myself. And I’m reminding myself that although I can continue to try to help myself feel and parent better, the reality is also that parenting through perimenopause is hard.
Plus, like Eleni said, “If bedtime was a total screwup one night, you’re going to get to do it again tomorrow.”