In my experience, a telltale sign of an ex-Mormon is the smile lines carved into her face from practicing happiness — something no amount of Botox or filler can fully remove. I would know. I stopped attending the Mormon Church at age 18 and four years later moved from my hometown of Ogden, Utah, to California. Watching Layla Taylor, a star of Hulu’s The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, was the first time I saw my experience as a Black woman who grew up in the Church reflected back at me. Sitting across from Taylor at a Japanese restaurant in Salt Lake City, her barrel curls bouncing this way and that, I can vouch that while the smile lines are well hidden, they’re still there. At 25, she carries herself with the awareness of someone who knows that she is being watched at all times but may not be completely comfortable with it yet.
Along with millions of other viewers, I have watched Taylor navigate both white Mormon culture and reality-TV fame. Unlike some of her co-stars, she has chosen to remain in Utah. I have judged some of the decisions she’s made on the show while feeling empathetic for others. There’s a hint of rebellion in Taylor’s story — she joined the Church against the wishes of her Black father, while her white mother approved of her conversion. On the fourth season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which airs March 12, we see Taylor take on New York City as she continues her path toward becoming a model. By her side is her now-ex-boyfriend, Mason McWhorter. And most urgently, we watch Taylor’s journey to get healthy as she tries to conquer an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.
Together, we talked for nearly two hours, comparing our similar nonrefundable receipts. It’s no surprise to me that as the members of MomTok gain fame and access to the world beyond Utah, their desire to remain part of the Church begins to fade. The Mormon Church famously asks its members to pay 10 percent of their income in tithing. But being a good Mormon in the so-called “Happy Valley” costs far more than money. Not many members of MomTok are still active in the institution that first propelled them to notoriety; whatever connection MomTok still maintains with the Church seems to have at least as much to do with faith as it does professional opportunities. As each woman outlines her hardships — from racism and sexual assault to reckoning with their body image, abusive partners, and teenage pregnancies, struggles that often stem directly from the Church’s teachings on perfection, obedience, and worthiness — it becomes clearer why. Here’s how Taylor sees it.
You grew up in Arizona, right? Why would you come to Utah?
I moved to Utah when I was 18 on my own. My parents had a plan for me — that I was supposed to go to UC Irvine to be a dentist. But I’ve always felt like that wasn’t for me. So on a whim, my dad went out of town on a business trip, and I packed up my entire room, putting everything into my little Kia Soul that I drove at the time. I found a place here with my friends and I just moved here.
How did your parents react to that?
Pissed. My dad wasn’t a fan of me becoming a member of the Church to begin with. I converted on my own when I was 16. My mom was aware, because when you convert, you have to have at least one parent sign off on it. But my dad had no idea. He found out when I was 18, and at that point there was nothing he could do. I think his fear with me moving down here was what ended up kind of happening. That I was gonna meet somebody. That I was going to fall into line and do what you’re supposed to do when you’re Mormon and you’re a woman. Have kids. Become a wife … that’s kind of what my life turned into.
I’m so curious why your mom would sign off on that …
She used to be a member. When she met my dad, he was basically like, I’m not going to be with somebody who’s a part of this church — you’re going to have to get your records removed, which she did when they got married.
I think she converted for the same reasons as me. I’ve never honestly talked to her in depth about it, but I think it was the same situation. She had a very messy home life growing up. The Church promotes a happy life when you’re a part of it. Family-centered values and things that I feel like I longed for really badly.
Is your mom’s family still Mormon? Your extended family?
My mom was the only one that was Mormon. Same as me.
Like mother, like daughter.
I know! I don’t think that she ever really had a big understanding of the Church. Likewise with me. I didn’t know much, except for the core values that they teach you, obviously. I get questions all the time asking, “How can you, as a Black woman, be a part of the Church?” But they’re not telling you about the racist history within the Church. They’re telling you about the good and the positive. And obviously as a young, impressionable person, you get swayed a bit. I saw the glitz and the glam. I didn’t see the negatives. I was always just like, You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. You haven’t gone to a church yet. You don’t understand. It’s a community. It wasn’t until I got separated from my husband that I researched things on my own. And I was like, Ohhh.
You’re mixed too, correct? Your mom is white, and your dad is Black?
Yes!
Same. My ancestors on my mom’s side came to Utah as pioneers. They would be rolling in their graves if they knew that there’s a Black person in their lineage and legacy. Did your mom try to warn you about joining the Church?
No, I honestly didn’t have a close relationship with my mom at all. It was very surface-level. We didn’t talk about anything. I kept up a really good façade with them. I was never late for curfew. I was a good student. So I don’t think they ever had a reason to worry about me. My parents never really cared to get to know me as a person. They did the bare minimum they could to not get in trouble.
You and I had a very similar childhood. In high school, I was also a good student, though I was out making trouble. There wasn’t necessarily anyone there saying, “Hey, did you think about this?”
We didn’t have guidance.
Exactly. It makes you grow up a lot faster.
Oh my gosh, yeah! I feel like I became an adult when I was, like, 14. My sister and I have a four-year age gap. She’s a very successful woman. I feel like when she was in the house, I had a lot of guidance from her. And when she moved away, I had to figure it out on my own. That’s where I had my missteps. I probably wouldn’t have converted if I had somebody that was more present. When my parents tried to raise their concerns with the Church, I was like, You guys were gone. I did the best I could.
How soon after moving to Utah did you meet your now-ex-husband, Clayton?
A week.
Girl.
I know. I lived in BYU housing. I didn’t go to BYU, but it’s all I could afford, financially supporting myself as a nanny. We bonded very fast because of COVID.
Wait, BYU has housing for nonstudents? I didn’t know that. That feels like a pretty convenient pipeline: women living on campus, not in school, and perfectly positioned to meet a husband and become a housewife.
One thousand percent. We dated for a year and got pregnant before we were married. We got married a month later. All of a sudden, I’m a wife and I’m expecting a child, and now I live with this man … it was a lot.
Do you remember your first interaction with the Church? Or the moments when you were like, This is kind of nice?
I don’t remember the first time. I have a really hard time remembering my childhood, but I just remember feeling … it felt like belonging. But also, not belonging? I mean, you might feel the same way — people ask, “Does it feel weird that you’re the only Black person in a room?” But, like, I’m so used to it.
Totally. I remember moving to California and being in rooms where it’s majority Black for the first time. It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable, but that feeling of not being the only one was foreign to me. How has that felt as you’ve had more chances to venture outside of Utah?
I always have had this feeling that I’m not white enough to be white, and I’m not Black enough to be Black. And I feel like people expect, when you’re biracial, for you to cling to one side more than the other. Because I was raised in such a white area, I have stayed with what in my mind, as a little girl, was safer. And what would make me stick out less, which was clinging to my white side. So honestly, now, being an adult, anytime I am around other Black people, I feel like I belong less there. Which I know is odd.
That’s how the system is designed to work. The whole structure is built to “other” you while still letting you feel close enough to belong. You’re not one of us, but you can be around us. You can participate, but you’re never fully inside it.
Exactly. Which is challenging, especially now having kids and living in Utah. I want them to have more diversity around them. In the future, I hope I can figure out a custody thing with my ex so that we can do part-time in different states.
Can I just say, it does get better, and that feeling goes away.
Really?
Growing up here my whole life, I felt that same way. But then there were all these learnings — and really, more unlearnings. I realized Blackness isn’t a monolith, and that by purely existing in your skin, in the world, you are Black enough. But the older you get and farther you get away from here, that feeling really does go away.
That feels really good to hear.
This season, we see how hard it is to be a stay-at-home parent and to not really be allowed to have a life outside of that. Utah culture is so wrapped up in the proper way to be a wife, the proper way to be a mother. I think there are some valuable lessons to take from that and some less valuable lessons. What are the positive things that you take away from Utah and Mormon culture?
Obviously, the state has its downsides, but there’s a lot of good. Community is everything. My boys are my everything; they’re my family. They come before anything, even the idea of moving to L.A. The family aspect of Utah is really important here, and taught to us. That’s one thing I’ll always take away from Utah.
What ultimately led you to wanting to be like, Okay, I’m done; I’m over it with the Church?
Research. Too many things I found out did not align with me morally. I think it’s pretty obvious now that I’m very liberal and it’s very hard to be a part of a church that doesn’t love the people that I love and doesn’t support some people’s love. I can’t say that I’m a part of something that doesn’t love everyone.
Going back to what you said about moving to a different state, there’s a lot of chatter this season about MomTok members wanting to leave Utah. We’re seeing Whitney in New York living her best life. Jen was considering Los Angeles. Sounds like you’re really considering moving somewhere else too?
I’m in talks right now with a modeling agency that’s in L.A., but the back-and-forth would obviously be hard on my kids. My ex-husband recently told me that he’s wanting to maybe move to Arizona. But also, my job’s here. Until I have a solid career path in a different state, I have to finish out my journey here in Utah.
I don’t speak to either of my parents. The only one I’m in contact with is my sister, and I’ve found family through my friends. The idea of having to find a new chosen family in a different state is terrifying, and I want to have people I can rely on. My boys deserve that too. I would feel bad taking them away from family. My ex-husband’s family, I’m going to be frank, is a mess. They are here, but I don’t credit them for being there for my children. And my mom friends have kids who have become besties with my kids, like family.
Speaking of your career, this season we’ve really seen a different version of you. You’re calling out bullshit and sticking up for yourself! I wouldn’t necessarily say you were a follower before …
I would! In seasons one and two, I was very much a follower. I didn’t want to stick out! I already stick out a lot. I’m already one of one in the cast. There are a lot of things that I have to deal with that the other women don’t. I didn’t want to be the loud Black girl. Now I’m starting to step more into myself and who I am. If anyone has any perceptions of me, then that’s on them.
In this new season, there’s a scene with MomTok and DadTok, where you were all discussing DadTok’s trip to the Villa. Jessi’s husband, Jordan, is going off about you being unfaithful and not trustworthy, and you called him out on it. I immediately clocked that as misogynoir.
Jordan … Bringing up things that aren’t even true to try to taint my name. I could call both of my exes, and both of them would be like, “You’re a very loyal partner.” The way that I get spoken to a lot in this group is incredibly hard. I do feel like sometimes there are underlying racist perceptions.
This has been a very hard experience to go through, but honestly, if it weren’t for me putting myself out there, there’s so many things that I probably still wouldn’t have done. There are hard parts about being on reality TV, sharing the most vulnerable parts of your life. So it’s been a lot of learning. And unlearning, like you said.
Okay, so speaking of your exes … Can we talk about your recent breakup from Mason? How are you doing?
I probably can’t share specifics of why it happened. All those details will be shown with time. But I mean, it’s day by day. It’s still so fresh. It’s been, like, less than a month now. I’m gonna cry, but he is, and was, my best friend. I truly feel like he was the first person I connected with completely. So it was a very hard breakup, and it still is, but I will always love him. What I’ve learned is just to feel it.
Well, obviously he knows he fumbled. Did you see the video?
Yeah.
Did it make you laugh? Or how’d that make you feel?
I’m gonna be honest, I wasn’t the biggest fan. I don’t think their intentions were malicious with the video that they made. However, I do think it’s a little too soon, as the person that broke the girl’s heart, to be making satire videos. I get it, he’s saying, Layla is so amazing. But I’m also like, why are we glorifying breaking a really good girl’s heart, you know?
I understand he’s gotten a little bit of hate online, so I think he thought it was going to help correct that. But he’s also the same person that would say that he wasn’t here for the clout or the benefits of dating me. So it’s interesting he says he doesn’t want the limelight but then is posting to resurrect his career. If you can only make viral videos by using my name, then …
I think in a way it has to do with Chase, his brother. I love Chase. He is a good person, but he’s in such a low vibration of shame for a lot of things in his life. I feel like he gets off on the engagement with his humor and the negative things that he’s done. I think Mason just loves his brother so much, and he has a hard time saying no to him. I asked him, “Would you have posted this video on your own?” And he said no. I think hopefully with time, Mason will realize he doesn’t need to follow in his brother’s footsteps and participate in, frankly, his brother’s toxic behaviors to have a close relationship with him.
I found the video funny, but I also thought this was the rollout announcement of you getting back together. So that is not happening? He just posted this video?
You would think, right? But no. I would have appreciated a heads-up from the person that broke my heart.
I want to talk about last season’s SLOMW reunion and the end of this season. You opened up about body image and your eating disorder. Utah probably rivals California in terms of vanity …
Utah ranks higher than L.A. for plastic surgery, which you would never think.
Both are so obsessed with looks. But in the last episode of this season, you’re sitting in the pool with Jessi and Miranda discussing your eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And you admit to taking GLP-1s. I think all together, it was maybe five minutes of screen time. I get frustrated with the show because I don’t feel like it’s given you or the viewers enough room to explore your story together. I’m disappointed that there wasn’t more room for that conversation and your response to it particularly.
It bummed me out to see how short it was. There were even more scenes that I had filmed talking about it that weren’t shown. It’s so hard. We have such a big cast. And we have a cast full of girls that have dealt with so much trauma. I was definitely sad to see that I only got a little bit, because this is something that I’ve been dealing with my whole entire life.
It’s frustrating, but I just look at other opportunities that I can use as my platform to share more. The show is so much more than drama to me. I want to help people so badly. Like, the DMs that I get postseason. It’s hard to share, but I look forward to all the women that reach out to me and say, “Thank you for sharing this.” After I shared on the reunion about me self-harming, so many women reached out to me. It makes me cry thinking about it. But I’m writing a book! I’m going to be sharing a lot of things in there. I’m just starting the process right now.
That’s so exciting! I mean, there was like a whole episode dedicated to Taylor sitting down with her estranged father’s best friend, where we learn nothing.
It’s kind of just the show that we’re on. Taylor is our star, so she’s obviously going to get the most opportunity to share things.
I might push back on that. Taylor is a star, but I think that people watch the show for everyone. I mean, who’s the leader of MomTok anyway? Who’s to say?
I don’t think there is a leader of MomTok.
We want to follow the full journey.
I hope in the future, I’m able to share more. Even me sharing my eating disorder and self-harm, that is just scratching the surface. What I’ve gone through in my life and what I still am healing from. I faced abuse in my childhood home that gives me challenges to this day. I’ve been severely depressed my whole life. I’ve attempted suicide. I’ve dealt with hard, hard things. But I realize the show has to teeter on a line. They don’t want to be a depressing show.
So are you still taking GLP-1s? How are you doing?
I’m not anymore, though it’s a very hard drug to get off of. It’s addicting. It was so hard not to get back on it. But I’m always going to deal with my eating disorder. It honestly wasn’t until I sat down with the CEO for Center for Change, which they show, that I realized the severity of eating disorders. Some of it is irreversible. Your brain can literally die off, and I didn’t know any of that.
I still seek treatment for my eating disorder. I’m in therapy right now. Once you fix your mental-health issues, it’s easier to fix your eating disorder. Getting on the right regimen of medications that have helped me be happier, and then I’m more enticed to go eat and more, you know? I mean, it’s kind of like a lot of puzzle pieces you have to fit together, the mental before the physical. Post-breakup with my now ex-boyfriend, I lost, like, nine pounds in the first week. When my mental health is not where it should be, food is my last priority.
I want my boys to be confident. I want to be able to teach them to love themselves. And how am I supposed to teach them to love themselves if I don’t love myself?